Help Me, Help Yinz Part 3

With the start of Oh Thirteen, I had hoped that the memes* would slowly lose their momentum on facebook. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (if you know me, you can imagine how that sounded... if you don't, think of how someone would sound while yelling it on the double dipper of the Jack Rabbit). Everyday, my news feed features an onslaught of total nonsense. So much nonsense in fact, that I recently devoted some energy to unsubscribing from the repeat offenders who keep "liking" EVERYTHING. Really, "friends"? REALLY?!?! Remember, if you click on this stuff, all of your "friends" see what you did! Is that what you want? Do you? DO YOU?

Here are the most notable, recent offenses:

Dear "1 million 'likes' and my dad quits drugs. Please help,"
I am sorry that your dad is still a druggie because you didn't get the desired amount of "likes." Really, I am. In the meantime, you can work on your grammar. For future reference, "You use to" should be "You used to." Good luck!
Sincerely,
HGB

Dear "Friend" who liked this meme,
There is no way that I would ever open the door if this man was knocking. Sandals? White, flowing robes? A terrible haircut? Historically, there is no proof that Jesus looks anything like this, so I would be very leery if I were you. To quote Tesla, "Long haired freaky people, need not apply!"
Sincerely,
HGB

Dear person who created this meme,
Okay. I get it. The Brady's kitchen is iconic. You challenged the virtual world to recognize the burnt orange counter tops, the wood paneled cabinets, olive green accents, and brick wall. Not surprisingly, 69.9K accepted your challenge withahhhht any help from Alice! However, if you are going to take the time to create a meme, perhaps you should take the time to figure ahhhht that "Who's" is a contraction for the expression, "Who is." Therefore, you just told all of facebook to "Click 'Like' If You Know Who Is Kitchen This Was!" And That Makes As Much Sense As Starting Every Word In Your Meme With A Capital Letter.
Sincerely,
HGB

Dear "PSY Gangnam Style,"
First, I highly doubt that you are the real PSY. He's probably too busy writing terrible music to create memes, let alone to worry about my mother. Second, why do you insist that I have to "LIKE!" anything at all in order to prove that I would save my mother from a burning building? Obviously I would save her, even though I cannot imagine any circumstances in which she would be trapped in a building like the one in the picture. With that many windows and exits, and with my mother's MacGyver-like instincts, there's a slim chance that she would need my help.
Sincerely,
HGB

Dear "Quote's So Teen," 

A. Is your name "Quote Is So Teen"? That's odd. 

B. Hashtags (#'s) do not work on facebook. 

C. The word "blue" should not be capitalized. 

D. And are mustaches the new bacon? 

Sincerely, 

HGB

Dear "1-800 Choke Dat Hoe,"
The thought of your name being the equivalent to choking a gardening tool makes me chuckle... unless of course your name is referring to choking a lady of the night (FYI "ho," is the correct spelling of that word), in which case you have some serious issues to work ahhhhht. Good luck finding a job or a girlfriend.
Sincerely,
HGB

Dear "Bros before hoes,"
Do you know "1-800 Choke Dat Hoe"? I feel like the two of you would get along well. You seem to have similar disinterests in spelling. Furthermore, can you explain to me why you went to such drastic extremes with this ultimatum meme? It's true that I love ice cream and I don't want to go to hell. But, I really don't want to like your status in order to prove myself. Actually, I would rather walk myself over to the freezer and eat some of the Turkey Hill Blitzburgh Crunch that is chilling in there. Why are you backing me into such a tight corner? It's just not fair.
Sincerely,
HGB


*Here are the links for Part 1 and Part 2 if yinz missed them.